Men and Friends

Harold Ivan Smith, a noted grief counselor, made the comment that after the death of their spouse, many men have lost their ONLY friend. (See Robert W. Bowman’s article “Harold Ivan Smith on grief ministry” in Baptists Today, November 2007, pp 16-17.) As I have observed many men’s relationships with others over the years, it is true that many have much more isolated lives than their wives and many single men seem likewise to be much more solitary in their existence than others. “The lone wolf” syndrome may apply. While men generally display less verbal inclination than females, it appears that men’s “social” isolation may not be so much a “genetic” factor as it is function of patterns that become established with maturity. While many children seem to associate with ease and vigor, whether in neighborhood pick-up games, or more regimented group sports, or even the often observed club of bike riders or skateboarders, we do find that in adulthood many of the more casual interactions seem to disappear.

The current growing preponderance of spectator related events and isolated gaming activities seem to increase the frequency and intensity of this personal isolation. While “parallel play” may be noted in children and adolescence, there tends to be an adult parallel in the lessening of social interaction as work becomes more defined and groups of adults become more specific in their “interest” focus. Many men simply fall through the social cracks when it comes to making and keeping friendships over long periods in adulthood. The time for those friendships often is the mitigating factor against their development and continuation. Intensive demands for work hours, heavy family responsibility, and even the simple availability of time or the imposed geographic isolation created by some occupations increase this tendency.

“Competitive isolation” seems to encroach to some degree with peers who occupy the same vocational choice. There is a hesitancy to be consistently open and interactive regarding venues that compete for clients, members, or pay scale comparison. While professional groups are linked in such ways, even then, the level of friendships is sometimes defined by locations separated by distance, coupled with some frequency of verbal or written or social content. Very personal, engaged interaction, candid disclosure, and openness are often reserved for the marriage partner alone.

In light of such observations, what strategies might men consider to reduce social isolation? One of the starting points is the recognition that we need friends. Valuing relationships in the first place makes it worth the investment of time and energy to build them. Second, there is the need to find those friends at some level…close at hand. It is great to have friends “around the world,” but in times of crisis, it is wonderful to have one down the street, or within a distance to go see and talk to quickly. Even the Bible notes “there is a friend closer than a brother.” Friends who share in common healthy values are likewise encouraging. While friends may have very different personalities, the capability of congeniality and some strong commitments to values of conscience that are shared and understood, can often go a long way toward building a good basis for friendship. Many have found friends at church, in those communities of faith that identify a common shared relationship of trust in God and an interest in Christian community. Men who have these things in common already have a clearly defined basis for relating to one another in healthy and positive ways.

There is an old proverb that says “iron sharpens iron.” Men who share positive relationships with other men often find strength in learning and growing in their personal understanding of many things. Individually, we have unique knowledge and information to share. In community those strengths become valuable for all those in that circle of communication and interaction. Close friendships often are derived as challenges are faced, overcome, and discussed in the context of relaxed settings. Men usually are missing the time, place, and opportunity for those interactions because they often are overcommitted in other ways.

There is no question that one helpful transition would be “away from” isolated settings, whether it is in front of a television, computer, or video game station. Likewise, the availability of regular times for men to spend time socially without the stimulus (or depressing influence) of intoxicants as an excuse for “hanging out” would be a positive. Men who share strong family values, concern for their children and spouse, interest in being responsible spiritual leaders in their homes and community will invest appropriately in those kinds of social and community opportunities that will not detract from their aims and goals, but will be a help and encouragement to them.